Little Amelia, what I’d tell you...

Dear little me, 

I’d tell you that you’d go to university and embark on 3 years that will build your character, resilience and happiness in ways that will change your life forever. I’d tell you that greyness will tarnish joy in the blink of an eye but that your inner strength and determination will allow you to both see and paint in colour again. I’d tell you that adjustment and change is your friend, not your enemy. Be patient with this one.

I’d tell you that just as you thought university life wasn’t for you, you will meet a group of the most amazing best friends that will make you feel loved, valued and whole; and that you will finally 'belong', a feeling that has been missing for an awfully long time. I’d tell you that speaking won’t always come naturally to you but even though your words may disintegrate between your brain and your mouth, to keep speaking and speaking well because your ability to accumulate letters will open many doors. I’d tell you to stop treading so lightly, you will learn that the second your feet hit the floor in the morning, you are meant to tread with purpose.

I'd tell you that your anxiety disorder will come through your life like a gust of wind and knock over every single thing that you have spent years acquiring; you’ll feel depths of pain that slice right through your core. But I’d also tell you that this hardship was merely the rearrangement of life as you know it and the bold marking of a new beginning. I’d tell you that silence is not always golden and that reaching out is brave and necessary sometimes. I’d tell you that the discomfort of these self-destructive illnesses will prepare you for something that even on this day, you will be unaware of (and that the uncertainty of this will be comfortable, not scary). I’d tell you that you would discover a passion for something that will give you the power to change lives and to absolutely jump in feet first (even if it means you have to cope with hives of butterflies and a few stress rashes on your way there). I’d tell you just how blessed you have been with the most wonderful family and friends who love you, for you. I’d tell you that you will be showered with an unbelievable amount of love that will reverse years of what made you believe you were unworthy. I’d tell you that having a heart stitched together with compassion is overwhelming and will require a tremendous amount of energy and focus but ultimately, will become a power like no other. 

I’d tell you with certainty that although finishing university may not be a 'light bulb moment' or the finality of a conclusive jigsaw piece that you once thought it would be; everything building up to this moment will have carried you into a new way of life. A profound, beautiful and meaningful life. I’d tell you that it is more than okay to be kind to yourself and to continue being fiercely creative in mind and soul. I’d tell you to celebrate diversity and to carry on loving others with all of your being. I’d tell you that sensitivity will become your biggest strength and that you will learn to see and use it as a tool, not a flaw. And above all, I’d tell you to keep on loving yourself in a world that implies otherwise; your middle name is Hope for a reason.