Disclaimer and health warning: I have been
careful not to use pictures of myself in clinic/hospital settings as not to
cause harm or offence, however some images and language are used in this post which have the potential to trigger. If you are easily triggered, please do not read on.
We are not who you think we are
7-8 years…
The length of primary school education
7-8 years…
The length of time it takes for all of the cells in your body to
regenerate
7-8 years…
The length of time it takes for your body to fully digest chewing
gum (?)
8 years…
The average duration of Anorexia Nervosa
It’s world mental health day
today, you’ll probably see the odd blog post floating around, the odd share on Facebook,
the odd “fight on” hashtag. Before you scroll past, please think about what
World Mental Health Day actually means. You may be reading this out of
curiosity, wanting to help a friend, or simply desperate to grasp onto some
sort of hope that someone else understands. Whatever your reason for reading
this, I can guarantee you’ll have had an experience, even through a friend of a
friend or the media, of mental health, because sadly, everyone knows someone.
“You’ve got a lot on your
plate, haven’t you?” I laughed. Quite the opposite really, but thanks for the
concern. Eating disorders are such a difficult illness to write about, because
they, for most people, are not what they are portrayed to be. Most don’t
conform to stereotypes; most don’t fit into a 6 stone frame of a teenage
adolescent or have a tube wedged down their throat. We all know the basics;
Anorexia means you starve yourself, Bulimia means you throw up food and Binge
Eating Disorder, well that’s just greedy, right? So wrong.
If I had never been whacked
with the crazy stick (am I allowed to say that?), I would never know first hand
what an eating disorder feels like. For me, I had Anorexia Nervosa (restrictive
subtype) with bulimic tendencies. Wow, where’s my medal? Eating disorders come
in many forms and, shock horror; many do cross over. The body of an eating
disorder patient basically becomes a calorie-excreting firearm. Of all
psychiatric illnesses, Anorexia is the deadliest, with the highest mortality
rate. This is a mixture of medical complications, as well as increased risk of
suicide. Although I was horrendously underweight at referral point, it is so
vital that people understand you do not have to be a walking stereotype
to have Anorexia, or any eating disorder. Eating disorders are mental
illnesses. It’s a disorder, which becomes a compulsion that you can’t control.
“I did not develop an eating
disorder because I couldn’t cope with our media saturated culture, I developed
an eating disorder because I couldn’t cope with my life. I did not develop an
eating disorder because I hated my body; I developed an eating disorder because
I hated myself. I did not develop an eating disorder because I wanted to be
like a model; I developed an eating disorder because I wanted to be anyone but
who I was. I did not develop an eating disorder because my mind was filled with
images of photo-shopped girls; I developed an eating disorder because my mind
was genetically predisposed to mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. I
did not develop an eating disorder because of culture. Eating disorders are
illnesses, not a cultural phenomenon.”
5 types of Eating Disorder
Anorexia
Bulimia
Binge
Eating Disorder
Eating
Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)
Disordered
eating/eating problems
Let’s clear up these
stereotypes. "97% of eating disorder patients are found to exhibit at least one
other psychiatric illness such as depression, an anxiety disorder or substance
abuse." Often, eating disorders are an expression
of these illnesses and the “weight loss” that is so kindly battered around by
the media is actually just a side effect. Obviously, nothing occurs without the
influence of multiple factors (think nature vs, nurture). Environment, culture
and biology are probably something to do with the illness. Eating disorders are
not about food; sufferers are hungry for so much more than that.
So, why can’t you see eating
disorders? Take breast cancer, for example. You cannot necessarily see the effects at diagnosis, but the
symptoms are there. Someone who is depressed can force themselves to smile and
laugh. Even an anorexic does not have to be medically underweight to be
suffering. I’m not saying that someone who struggles to eat for a day or two is
anorexic, because that is just not the case (but let’s save the rant about self-diagnostics
for another post). If you pass a mirror, it’s game over, whatever your weight.
You feel desperately low and you feel trapped by the rules you have created for
yourself, whatever you look like on the outside. It is so important to
break the stigma that you have to look like a walking skeleton to have an eating
disorder.
Below are three photos of me,
and although none were taken at my lowest weight, I was very ill in all three
of them, in mindset (although the last was celebrating eating something I
hadn’t had in years, so I was feeling pretty proud of myself there).
5 things I have learned from having an eating
disorder
1. Recovery is quite literally like being in rehab for drugs, but it's 100% worth it
Starving yourself and using
eating disorder behaviours is honestly like ecstasy is to a drug abuser. And
apparently (because a bit of science is healthy now and again), Anorexia and ecstasy
actually activate some of the same brain pathways. So there you have it, maybe
you are in the wrong clinic (joking).
2. Nothing
is a race, take your time. Likewise, don’t compare your journey
It’s difficult not to compare
yourself or your journey to others when you have an eating disorder. The
illness is so competitive, I remember slyly comparing the amount of raspberries
I put into a “smoothie” in one of our sessions with another patient, as well as the
amount of sprays in a pan to make pancakes (which was Fry Lite anyway so it
doesn’t even count, just saying). Everyone is at a different stage to you. That
goes for general “lifeyness” as well.
3. It’s ok
to be a perfectionist, as long as you channel it correctly
It’s no secret that people
with eating disorders are flipping competitive. We thrive on competition to
fuel our illness, that’s just the way it is. “You know you can never be as cool
as they are, but when one of them pops a potato chip into their mouth or
chooses real Coke over Diet, for that moment you are better”. This is
horrendously unhealthy. However, when I was ill, someone very special to me
told me that I needed to put the same energy into getting better that I did
into self-destructive behaviours, and that, is honestly one of the best pieces
of advice I received, because that’s exactly what I have done. You will soar, I
promise you.
4. Accept a
compliment – it’s good for the soul
Literally. It’s mega cringe
and hard at first, but just do it. I dare you. (Or give one, that’s always
nice).
5. To
appreciate the things that I have no control over
Life is a lovely little
whirlwind sometimes, isn’t it? But what can you do? Enjoy and embrace it, that’s
what. But equally, recognise your negative emotions, honour them and move on.
5 things that we want you to know, but probably
won’t tell you
1. Every single day feels like a time loop
We
literally have to reset ourselves. Someone may as well come and stand at the
end of the bed each morning with a sign saying, “Do you want to carry on
recovering today?” Because it literally is that invasive, you have to make the
decision over and over and over again. Despite how painful, despite various
environmental factors being shoved down your throat (pardon the pun, humour has
become a necessary protective strategy in my more serious blogposts)...
2. "Fat" is a metaphor
For me,
my fears over food did not develop over a feeling that I was fat. It was only
when I began to lose weight did I feel that “fat”, which is, essentially, an
emotion. It is not uncommon to hear someone say, “I feel so fat”. This can
simply mean, “I feel overwhelmed” or “I feel out of control.” But still, talk
to them, don’t assume.
3. We are incredible liars, but we don't mean to hurt you
We are the best liars in the
world. We will do anything to hold onto a sense of “control”. As for people, we
firmly place them into categories. Those we trust, those we don’t, those we can
confide in, those we can lie through our teeth to. But the reality is, we are
lying to and hurting ourselves the whole time.
4. We are not "over-sensitive"
Our feelings are extremely
real to us.
5. We are so sorry
Anorexics are perfectionists.
We like to think we are super-humans…we’re not. Having Anorexia is like being
in a room with 20 radios, all on different channels at different volumes; white
noise and all. You know that you are hurting yourself, but you can’t stop it.
The more weight you lose, the bigger you feel. Science, hey? You don’t mind if
you die, you push it to the limit. You think that everything will go wrong if
you eat and you feel horrendous if you feel you’ve eaten out of your own will.
Someone watching you eat? That’s just completely out of the question. We are
also extremely competitive; if I haven’t already mentioned that…We are so sorry
to those we hurt when we were poorly.
5 comments/mindsets that are
extremely unhelpful
1. "Aren't you looking well?"
We hear, “aren’t
you looking fat?”
2. “I’m glad you’re eating more” / “That’s not
enough”
3. “That’s not healthy” / “That looks healthy”
4. “I’m glad you’re getting over this”
5. “People are starving in other countries, you
shouldn’t be wasting food”
Please don’t add
to our guilt. We know. Just don’t comment on our food, or us please. (Saying that,
I am at a stage now where it is nice to hear how well I look – it’s different
for everyone, at various stages).
5 misunderstandings that we need to talk about
1. "Wow, if you think you're fat, I dread to think how you see me!"
Many
of us have body-dismorphia and these thoughts and self-hatred stop at us.
Please do not put us in a position like that, it's awkward for everyone.
2. "So, do you just, like, not eat then?"
Wasn't anyone listening in GCSE Biology? It
doesn’t take a genius to work out that you need some food to survive. Most of
our behaviour is secretive.
3. "But you were doing so well?"
…and
now I’m not. Funny that isn’t it!
4. "But you don't look like you've lost weight?"
An actual teacher said this to me when I wasn't displaying symptoms at first. True story.
5. "Are you recovered/better now?"
Just because someone has gained weight or has been discharged, does not mean that they are instantly "better". I explain treatment or a care plan as similar to a big operation, when you are discharged or "come round"; that's where the hard work starts. You wouldn't expect someone to get up and run after major knee surgery, it can often take years to rebuild and strengthen after a procedure so complicated and delicate.
5 pieces of advice I would
give to someone suffering
1. Your BMI is not and should never be an object
You
do not have to have a BMI of 11 to get help, and equally, you do not have to be
a certain BMI to have an eating disorder.
2. Don't listen to doctors who tell you to "wait and see"
We
all know that is the most ridiculous piece of advice a medic could give you.
Wait for my death? Ok then. Don’t wait until you are “sick enough”; you are
worthy of help NOW.
3. Early intervention is so vital
I have so many health problems now because I didn’t
get help early and I left it until it was too late. Please get help as soon as
you can. There will always be someone, even if you have to go through a few
different people first. Don’t be put off by adult services either; I found
them SO much better than children’s services. They aren’t as scary as
you anticipate them to be, I promise you.
4. You are not strong even if you feel it
“Why on earth would I want to recover? It took ages
for me to get that tiny”. I know, I know. But you’re not strong for
restricting, you’re sick.
5. Read a lot of literature
Something that encouraged me when I was about to
recover was understanding the illness in order for me to move on. If you can
and are able, do your best to read to understand yourself. After all, you’re
doing this for you, no-one else. Just make sure you don’t read it to trigger
yourself though (how did I read your mind?)
5 pieces of advice I would
give to someone in recovery
1. Get rid of clothes that no longer fit, seriously
This
is liberation to a whole new level, I’m telling you.
2. You either recover, or you die
Eating disorders can only be “maintained”
for so long. They are a suicide mission, not a way of life.
3. Try your hardest to ignore the competitive aspects of the disorder
The
reality is, a lot of people wish they had been “better” at losing weight than
you. A lot of people wish they had been “better” anorexics. There are better
anorexics than you, but they’re dead.
4. Making yourself sick is so, so dangerous
(I
completely understand that it doesn’t make you want or feel the need to stop,
but please listen to those around you). You actually only purge around 1/3 of
the food because you push the rest further down, and even then, you’re actually getting rid of the most essential
nutrients. And plus, you always feel pretty rubbish afterwards.
5. You can't make up the rules as you go along
I
remember when I first ate again, I thought to myself “Ok, if I eat that then I’ll
just make up for it later” or “I’ll have this now and then later I can just
have half my dinner” - It doesn’t work. Unless you fully hand over the reigns,
disordered thoughts will rule your mind forever.
5 pieces of advice I would
give to someone wanting to help
1. Do your best to research around the disorder in order to understand how they are feeling
It
can be so hard to talk about emotions surrounding food, especially initial
conversations. This will take so much pressure off and be a good conversation
starter. Get to know their “safe foods” and their triggers.
2. Don't be confrontational
From
personal experience and generally speaking, meal times are never a good time to
talk. It makes us feel stressed and puts focus on the thing we are struggling
with, consequently, putting us right off our meal which we could have been
psyching ourselves up about for hours.
3. Eating disorders are complex, do your best with what you have
There
could have been nothing to trigger an eating disorder or a whole reel of
trauma. Be patient and be kind.
4. Therapy is so draining. Give the person space to think and wind-down afterwards
I
used to come out of therapy sessions with a banging headache nearly every time.
Especially during the “assessment” process, which can often take up to three
hours. It hurts your mind and is painful to bring up suppressed memories. Be
supportive, drop a text or offer to go with them.
5. Use your common sense and be careful with your language
Avoid
using statements such as “you are making me worry,” instead, use ones such as
“I’m worried about you.” Imposing more guilt will just make the person shut
down more. Even months or years into recovery, there are still aspects of food
I struggle with. For example, food shopping for me can trigger a meltdown if
I’m in the shop alone or can’t find what I need. Additionally, support during
the actual meal is often essential, despite how long someone has been
recovering for. Don’t be patronizing, just use your common sense. If you’re eating with a large group, offer to sit near or next to the person, or use a code word
so that they can have a breather if necessary.
-
It’s hard to see
the wood through the trees when you’re in recovery as there is not an awful lot
I actually remember from when I was poorly (starvation tends to have that effect on the brain), however I hope with all of my heart
that this post has at least increased some of your awareness. I’ve gained an
awful lot since I was diagnosed. But I can tell you this with confidence; I’ve
gained so much more than weight. I have gained body fat, bone mass and health.
I have gained femininity and self-assurance. I have gained back my personality
and the ability to feel rational emotion.
Thank you to everyone who supported me when I was poorly and continues to do so through my difficult days, you know who you are x
Some useful
websites:
Mental health
literacy:
http://www.nedc.com.au/communicating-about-eating-disorders
Some useful
books:
-
An Apple
a Day – Emma Woolf
-
Goodbye
ed, hello me – Jenni Schaefer
-
Unbearable
Lightness – Jodi Picoult
Food to Eat: A helpful recipe
book to gain confidence with food
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Food-Eat-hopeful-disorder-recovery/dp/1480083461
♥